How to Become a Catastrophist in 6 Easy Steps
A Hermit Crab Fiction by Wendy K. Mages
Dear Solutions Sally,
All my friends have been complaining that I’m an “eternal optimist,” and not in a good way. One of my oldest and dearest friends told me to “Get real!” She accused me of “always seeing the world through rose-colored glasses.” Another friend said she finds my “sunny disposition” exhausting.
I’m confident I can turn my life around, but need some guidance. Please help me to see the half-full glass as half-empty. Any solutions you can offer would be much appreciated!
Yours truly,
Forever Pollyanna
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Forever Pollyanna,
Below please find my curated list of How to Become a Catastrophist in 6 Easy Steps:
1. When feeling anxious, don’t go for a walk, don’t take a few deep breaths, don’t listen to soothing music, don’t soak in a warm tub. Instead, focus on minor annoyances, pet peeves, things you can’t control. Repeat.
2. When drinking a hot cup of tea, don’t relish the aroma, savor the flavor, let the warm mug calm your cold hands. Instead, ponder invisible toxins floating in the water, pesticides seeping from the leaves. Imagine what might happen if the hot liquid fell into your lap, scalded your skin. Repeat.
3. When scrolling through newsfeeds on your phone, don’t look at funny cat videos, watch TikTok dancers, do Wordle. Instead, wallow in every crisis (local, national, world) no matter how big or small, notice every tragic turn, commit every horror to memory. Repeat.
4. When turning on the TV, don’t select sitcoms, celebrity interviews, stand-up comedians, heartwarming animal shows. Instead, view news channels that flaunt the violence, the gore, the warzones, the suffering children. Never look away. Never turn it off. Instead, on an endless loop, mentally revisit every image, every horror. Repeat.
5. When planning your days, don’t schedule time for a coffee, a workout, a dinner with friends. Instead, consider how even the happiest of celebrations can instantly transform into unthinkable misfortune, how your best laid plans will eventually lead to hell. Prepare yourself for every worst-case scenario. Then envision how it could be even more horrible, more disastrous than you ever thought possible. Remind yourself, things can always turn out worse than anyone could have predicted. Repeat.
6. When looking out at the world, don’t notice the brilliance of the sun, the colors of the autumn leaves, the children at play. Pay no attention to the fragrance of the flowers, the crispness of the air, the grace of the birds in flight. Instead, catastrophize (see #1-#5). Repeat, repeat, repeat.
If you rigorously follow these 6 easy steps, you’ll quickly lose any remnants of a rosy optimistic mindset and become a true (blue) catastrophist in no time!
Sincerely,
Solutions Sally
This story won second prize in the 2024 WestWord Hermit Crab Prize.
Author: Wendy K. Mages, a Mercy University Professor, is a Pushcart Prize nominee and an award-winning poet and author. She earned her doctorate in Human Development and Psychology at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and her master’s in Theatre at Northwestern University. To learn more, please visit https://www.mercy.edu/directory/wendy-mages